It snowed at our house today. Really. I subscribe to just two magazines and one of them arrived in the mail today. After I used my pearly whites to free the actual magazine from its "protective cover", which rivaled Fort Knox, and sifted through all the snazzy home decorating and cooking advertisements that accompany the actual magazine, I eagerly thumbed through it to see what reading delicacies lay ahead. That's when the snowstorm began. As I was thumbing, a veritable blizzard of "magazine inserts" floated gently to my kitchen floor. I counted no less than 32 inserts. ENOUGH ALREADY!!
Why are these people annoying me with inserts asking me to subscribe to a magazine, which just a few hours ago landed in my mailbox because I actually DO subscribe to it? Why in heaven's name would I ever want to spend money on a "Thomas Kinkade Faith Mountain" for just "four easy installments of just $33.75"? (My apologies to all you 'Painter of Light' fans out there.) Nor do I need or want a "Sculptural Shoe that inspires hope, featuring sparkling faux gems and delicate pearl accents."
I don't want to join the Doubleday book club. I don't need a patch for ADD, a pill for acid reflux, or a sample of medicine for "ED". (I'll let you figure that one out for yourself. Need a hint? Think Bob Dole. Still stumped? Have you been living under a rock? Check here http://www.findarticles.com/
Really, does anyone actually buy the "genuine pavé diamond hugs & kisses birthstone bracelet"? What the heck is a pavé diamond anyway??? However, I might be tempted by this one: "the world's most comfortable bra that eliminates bra bulge and makes you look 10 pounds thinner!" Who ever heard of "bra bulge"? Although it definitely sounds like something I want to avoid! And did you know that "If your face says 'you're 30' but your hands scream 'you're 50', there's a new breed of anti-aging hand treatments to the rescue"? Who cares? I'm still wondering why any marketing executive in his right mind would use the word "breed" in an ad for anti-aging cream???
All I want to do is pick up the magazine and read it without having to protect myself against paper cuts and glossy assaults on my intelligence. I mean by the time I pull out all the "inserts", I have a bigger recycle pile than I have magazine!
I've got it!! We can storm the halls of Congress and demand they do something about this. We can call it the "Freedom FROM Information Act".