Where am I?

Have you ever walked into a place and immediately and instinctively known, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that you should not be there? This happened to me in the midst of my Christmas shopping earlier this week. For reasons beyond my control and which I am unable to articulate, I ended up in one of those "outdoor superstores". I entered hesitantly, but the nice lady with the green shirt and khaki pants, sporting a Santa hat, greeted me warmly and ushered me right through the turnstile (This should have been my first clue. What kind of store has a turnstile?)

Anyway, energized by her kindness, I forged ahead, determined to "hit my mark" and emerge victorious. That feeling dissipated quickly as I found myself face to face with three very tall and very hairy stuffed moose, "grazing" gracefully in front of a plastic rock wall and a "faux" waterfall. How the heck did they get in there? And why on earth would anyone purposely put them there? There were also large deer suspended from the ceiling and geese "soaring" overhead.

Feeling the need to speed up my shopping "expedition", I headed toward the "Gifts" section. As I wandered around, I quickly learned that their definition of "Gift" and my definition of "Gift" are two vastly different things. For instance, in this section, I found "gift" cookbooks entitled "Deer Camp Dan's Cookbook" and "The Redneck Grill". Right next to these were colorful bottles of "injectable" marinade, complete with injectors! Did you know that you can "inject" marinade into rabbit, elk, venison, and even muskrat? I'm sorry, but that just sounds wrong.

As I backed away from the cookbooks, I bumped into a large display of food and snacks. Now, let me preface this by saying that any item whose brand name is "Uncle Buck's" doesn't sound fit for human consumption. But when those items include such things as "Uncle Buck's Buffalo Jerky" and "Uncle Buck's Turkey Jerky", I know there's got to be some mistake. Imagine my surprise when I "spotted" a camouflage crockpot! I guess that's so all those wild animals can't see you cooking their friends while you're sitting in your tree stand!

By this time, I had completely forgotten why I entered the store in the first place. I was dumbfounded that people would spend good money on things like this! I saw camo recliners (is that so your wife can't see you watching all that football?) and body pillows shaped like giant trout. They had bass-shaped mailboxes and hunting gear that claimed to have "Scent-lok Odor Eliminating Technology" (Think about that. After sitting in a tree all day, do you really want your "scent" locked in?) The duck calls coming from the decoy section were deafening, a close second only to the camo-clad men leaning on the displays, burping and scratching, and bragging loudly about their hunting exploits.

The video section was particularly busy and very entertaining, I might add. If I didn't value my time so dearly, I might actually view Pure Duckin' 5, Calling All Coyotes, or the always-popular Girls Gone Grabblin'. And, if you're a night person, you might enjoy Hunting the Night Shift: Predators.

Needless to say, I never did find what I was looking for. I have decided that any store whose motto is "More Outdoors for Your Money" and whose exit sign reads "No firearms beyond this point." probably ain't the place for me! I got outta there right-quick and headed straight for Ann Taylor Loft. Now, that's where I like to do my "hunting"!

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