I had a 30 percent off Kohl's coupon burning a hole in my pocket so I made a quick stop after work yesterday to pick up a couple summer things that Brooke needed. As usual, I was dismayed at some of the clothing but even more dismayed with some of the shoppers who were wearing said clothing. So, since I have been in a letter-writing mood, I thought this called for another piece of correspondence.
Dear Woman over Thirty:
Let me start by saying that I am not a fashion guru nor do I play one on TV. However, I would like to think that I have some sense of style and a small amount of decorum. That said, I am writing to lovingly inform you of something that it appears many of you have never heard. I hope you're sitting down because this may come as a shock: the Juniors section of department stores is for JUNIORS.
Now, just to be sure I was correct about this, I looked up the definition of "juniors". According to dictionary.com, Junior = a range of odd-numbered sizes, chiefly from 3 to 15, for garments that fit women and girls with shorter waists, narrower shoulders, and smaller bustlines than those of average build. Newsflash dear readers: most of us are of average build which means we most definitely do not fit into the Junior category.
Now, I realize that some of you may be the SIZE of a junior, but I hate to break it to you ladies, you are no longer the AGE of a junior. At this point of your life, size doesn't matter. Nor does it matter how old you "feel". I don't care how old you are, no one wants to see your Jockeys for Her or half of your tiny rear end when you bend over. And no one wants to read "hottie" or "cutie" or anything else on your rear end either.
Halter tops and spaghetti-strap tank tops are no longer acceptable. Plunging necklines are also no-no's. If you've nursed several children, "plunging" takes on a whole new meaning and the world doesn't need to see it. And that hearts and flowers tatoo you got on your "upper chest" (ahem) during a reckless college moment? I promise it's not nearly as cute fifteen years later when it's sagging a few--or six--inches.
Tee shirts with writing on them are definitely out. Respect yourselves ladies; don't wear anything that has a picture of Gumby on it or worse, a shirt that says "It's all about me." Any tee shirt that requires editing shouldn't be on a teenager, much less her mother.
And since we're talking about shirts, let's talk about what goes under those shirts. While black lace and pretty pink flowers are lovely, by the time you've reached thirty, the "girls" generally need more support than black lace and pretty flowers can provide. Save those unmentionables for romantic weekends away with your husband and get yourself a good bra. I'm all for "feeling beautiful underneath your clothes" but there comes a point in time where you just might have to redefine beautiful with the words Playtex Cross-Your-Heart. That's just the way life is.
Finally, when buying clothing for the lower half of your body, please, please, please for the love of God and all that is holy, buy the right size. Surely you can't enjoy laying down on your bed to zip those jeans or peeling them off yourselves at night. Bermuda shorts and capri pants are marvelous inventions. Go find some for your over-thirty self. Then treat yourself to a nice pair of jeans or khakis from the Ladies' department and wear them with pride! Be comfortable AND beautiful at the same time! Muffin tops are only attractive on actual muffins!!
In closing, the "experts" now are telling us that "forty is the new twenty", "fifty is the new thirty", and so on. Be proud of your age and all that you've accomplished and overcome to get there and dress appropriately. And please remember, some things really are better left to the imagination.