4.15.2008

Day 32

I had a 30 percent off Kohl's coupon burning a hole in my pocket so I made a quick stop after work yesterday to pick up a couple summer things that Brooke needed. As usual, I was dismayed at some of the clothing but even more dismayed with some of the shoppers who were wearing said clothing. So, since I have been in a letter-writing mood, I thought this called for another piece of correspondence.

Dear Woman over Thirty:

Let me start by saying that I am not a fashion guru nor do I play one on TV. However, I would like to think that I have some sense of style and a small amount of decorum. That said, I am writing to lovingly inform you of something that it appears many of you have never heard. I hope you're sitting down because this may come as a shock: the Juniors section of department stores is for JUNIORS.

Now, just to be sure I was correct about this, I looked up the definition of "juniors". According to dictionary.com, Junior = a range of odd-numbered sizes, chiefly from 3 to 15, for garments that fit women and girls with shorter waists, narrower shoulders, and smaller bustlines than those of average build. Newsflash dear readers: most of us are of average build which means we most definitely do not fit into the Junior category.

Now, I realize that some of you may be the SIZE of a junior, but I hate to break it to you ladies, you are no longer the AGE of a junior. At this point of your life, size doesn't matter. Nor does it matter how old you "feel". I don't care how old you are, no one wants to see your Jockeys for Her or half of your tiny rear end when you bend over. And no one wants to read "hottie" or "cutie" or anything else on your rear end either.

Halter tops and spaghetti-strap tank tops are no longer acceptable. Plunging necklines are also no-no's. If you've nursed several children, "plunging" takes on a whole new meaning and the world doesn't need to see it. And that hearts and flowers tatoo you got on your "upper chest" (ahem) during a reckless college moment? I promise it's not nearly as cute fifteen years later when it's sagging a few--or six--inches.

Tee shirts with writing on them are definitely out. Respect yourselves ladies; don't wear anything that has a picture of Gumby on it or worse, a shirt that says "It's all about me." Any tee shirt that requires editing shouldn't be on a teenager, much less her mother.

And since we're talking about shirts, let's talk about what goes under those shirts. While black lace and pretty pink flowers are lovely, by the time you've reached thirty, the "girls" generally need more support than black lace and pretty flowers can provide. Save those unmentionables for romantic weekends away with your husband and get yourself a good bra. I'm all for "feeling beautiful underneath your clothes" but there comes a point in time where you just might have to redefine beautiful with the words Playtex Cross-Your-Heart. That's just the way life is.

Finally, when buying clothing for the lower half of your body, please, please, please for the love of God and all that is holy, buy the right size. Surely you can't enjoy laying down on your bed to zip those jeans or peeling them off yourselves at night. Bermuda shorts and capri pants are marvelous inventions. Go find some for your over-thirty self. Then treat yourself to a nice pair of jeans or khakis from the Ladies' department and wear them with pride! Be comfortable AND beautiful at the same time! Muffin tops are only attractive on actual muffins!!

In closing, the "experts" now are telling us that "forty is the new twenty", "fifty is the new thirty", and so on. Be proud of your age and all that you've accomplished and overcome to get there and dress appropriately. And please remember, some things really are better left to the imagination.

Sincerely,

Jen

10 comments:

The Thomsons said...

People appear to subtract several sizes from their ACTUAL size when choosing their clothing! It's amazing... don't these people have any friends who could look at them and say "honey, no!"? (Althoughb, come to think of it, the friends are probably all dressed that way, too!)
Rachel

Kathi said...

You are HILARIOUS Jen, and have quickly become a "must read" for me each morning.

Kaitlin and I are now the same size. She wears some of my things. She's offered many times for me to wear her clothes, but I told her I think I'm well past the "Legal Age Limit"...in fact I"m double it.....to be wearing anything from Hollister or Abercrombie...so thanks, but no thanks.

Embrace your age, ladies....it is all good!

Adam said...

"I don't care how old you are, no one wants to see your Jockeys for Her or half of your tiny rear end when you bend over."

Speak for yourself, Beneth.

Jill said...

I find you, and your blog, so very entertaining. You are so funny. Everyday I look forward to reading your blog! Have a great day.
I spoke to you on Sunday at church in which I referred to myself as a 'stalker' because I enjoy your blog!
Jill

Marzola Happenings said...

I guess you have never seen my 'tatoo'. ;)and i suppose i wont be wearing those 'hottie' sweats when we go out??

julie_blauwkamp said...

LOVE IT! so true sister!

of course- it also scares me the clothes they make for toddlers- they think we want our little ones looking 15 too! SCARY! it's hard to find cute little girl clothes for my 4 year old!

so- I guess Daisy Dukes are out too, eh? ;-)

Cindy said...

I agree with you completely. You say things so well.Cindy

Denise said...

This was hilarious! When I started laughing uncontrollably...my husband looked at me like I was crazy. So, I had to read it to him. He laughed. I think you need to write a book. You have such a way with words and I love your sense of humor. Thanks for sharing your world and thoughts. LOL! Denise

Kim said...

Hahhhhaaaa! This is hilarious!

The Thomsons said...

THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!!! I mean, when a grown woman looks in the mirror and thinks, "Wow, I look like I am a 16 year old highschooler!!" Why do they then have to add, "And LOVIN' IT!!"

Maggie