**Disclaimer** This post will not be of interest to any male readers. Consider yourselves warned.
For as long as I can remember, it's been a Lenhart family joke that whenever one of us kids was going away to camp or a missions trip or college (!!), my mom made it a priority to get us new "underthings". For some reason, children's undergarments (especially boys' undergarments, in my experience!), have a dire necessity to be replaced before being seen by any human being who is not a member of the immediate family. It's a strange phenomenon, but I know it exists. In fact, yesterday, I experienced it for myself.
Sydney and I are heading to Costa Rica tomorrow morning (at 3 a.m. to be exact!) and so this week, I have been making final preparations for our trip. As I was compiling, laundering, and surveying my clothing options, I happened to take a good, hard look at my own, shall we say, undergarments. When I noticed that most of them seemed to have assumed the ever-fashionable "dinge du jour", I knew it was time for action. So I did what any good, self-respecting Lenhart with a 30 percent off Kohl's coupon and a Victoria's Secret free panty coupon would do before going away--I went shopping!
Immediately after work yesterday, I headed to Kohl's. As I surveyed the endless sea of panties, push-ups, and playtex, I decided there was no time like the present and dove in. After about a half hour, I decided that, out of 53, 679 bras, I could surely find one that fit, and I headed for the dressing room.
It's at this point that I feel the need to interject my strong belief that if the latest "stimulus" package can include all the ridiculous funding that it does, why in the world can't someone establish uniform bra sizing standards to which undergarment manufacturers must adhere? How is it that Mr. Maidenform, Mr. Bali, and Mr. Olga all interpret a size 34B differently?? Every undergarment I tried on was the EXACT same size---on the tag---yet some were too big, some were too small, some gapped, some pulled to the left, others pulled to the right. How does that happen? Is uniform sizing too much to ask?
And while I'm on the topic, I don't want push up, extreme push up, or water in my bra! Nor do I want a minimizer, a maximizer, or any other kind of "izer". I don't care about leopard print or zebra print. I don't need a bra that eliminates "back fat" (seriously!) or one that "plunges" to various levels of immodesty. I have nursed four children for a total of 63 months, and I am not going on my honeymoon. I am going away with 40 eighth graders on a missions trip, for heavens sake! I just need something utilitarian that will keep "things" where they belong when they belong there. (Is anyone else quietly humming "Love, lift us up where we belong"? No? Okay, then, it's just me.)
After a few unsuccessful attempts at new underthings, I sighed deeply and decided that maybe a sports bra would be a good choice. They are pretty utilitarian. No frills, nothing fancy, they just get the job done. That is.........if you can get them on. Have you ever tried one? Evidently, the term "sports" is used because the makers naturally assume that the woman who is trying them on is in the best physical shape of her life. I realize that they are meant for, shall I say, "anti-bounce", but seriously, the material was so tight and so unforgiving, that I thought, for one horrifying moment, I may have to scream for help. I looked around frantically for one of those call buttons they have in hospital rooms. My arms were up, over, and around my neck. I looked like a human pretzel. I was being held hostage by a sports bra!! I couldn't reach my cell phone, I couldn't reach my lotion (thinking I might be able to "grease" my way out of my predicament), heck, I could barely breathe.
I took several deep breaths, let the panic subside a bit, and very slowly and carefully wormed my out of that stupid sports bra. My neck muscles would never be the same, but I was free! And, believe it or not, I bought that stupid sports bra. In fact, I bought two of those stupid sports bras. They kept things where they were supposed to be when they were supposed to be there and covered everything that needed coverage. I'm quite certain that my roommates in Costa Rica will be very appreciative of my new "underthings". I just hope they're also good at untying knots!