Breaking up ("biblically") is hard to do....

Read this on another blog today and had to "use" it myself (with just a few tweaks.) It's hilarious!

Depending on your religious background and beliefs, you may say or hear something like this when ending a relationship.

Atheist: "The burden of proof is on you to establish the existence of this so-called “god”. But I believe that if there were any such divine entity, “it” would not want us to continue dating."

Intelligent Design Theorist: "Our relationship bears the marks of irreducible complexity, making it too difficult to explain by way of natural causes. Therefore, the most reasonable conclusion is that we were designed to break up since things have gotten so complicated."

Calvinist: "We were predestined before the creation of the world to break up according to God’s good pleasure. I am, on my own power, unable to break up with you apart from the irresistible draw of God’s sovereign grace, which leads me to end this relationship. Those that truly break up will not get back together in the end."

Armenian: "While you love me and have a wonderful plan for our life together, I have the power to resist your will. If I did not, love would not be possible. For our relationship to be loving, it needs to include the possibility of breaking up—something I am doing right now."

New Perspective on Paul Scholar: "Rather than earning God’s blessing, it is established on the basis of our covenant courtship (I asked your dad to date you, didn’t I?), which requires the proper response of an intentional and deliberate pursuit of marriage. Yet, there is no such pursuit, therefore God’s blessing on our relationship is no longer maintained."

Open Theist: "I am not really sure if we are supposed to be together because God isn't sure himself."

Theistic Evolutionist: "The beauty and rhythm of random variation and natural selection over long periods of time has presented us with a world where God has shown us that our relationship is too biologically expensive to maintain and is destined for extinction."

Young Earth Creationist: "No, I do not believe we have been going out for that long. Our relationship is only six days old and the on the seventh God rested. I think we need a rest too."

Emergent: "The question of whether we are in relationship or not is mired in modernity’s obsession with propositional truth. A better a way to look at this is to enter into God’s story about how he led us together and is now leading us apart."

Catholic: "Honey, I feel really guilty about hurting you, but I think the Virgin Mary is leading us in different directions. I think it is her will that we break up."

Postmodernist: "It’s okay for you to like me, and I would love to enter into a dialogue deconstructing the word “like” but I just don’t think it’s worth it. On second thought, is this life even worth anything? Why am I even here? Why am I even trying to validate my meaningless existence?"

Lutheran: "I want our relationship to continue, but first there are a few things that God wants you to change. Here's the list; there's only 95 things. What? Oh, okay then, I guess we’re done.

Episcopalian: "Ummm, I'm gay."

Fundamentalist: "You have tarnished the pure nature of our love by incorporating such heathen elements as 'dating' and 'fun'. I am afraid I can no longer court you—yea, even speak to you—until you repent of this apostasy."

Pentecostal: "I go where the Holy Spirit leads, and I currently sense he is leading me away from this relationship. You see, while I was speaking in tongues, someone interpreted what I was saying, and apparently, I broke up with you three weeks ago."


stephanie said...

really funny!

Adam said...

Fundamentalist was my favorite. Naturally.