Dear Potential Homeowner (aka TireKicker),
As you well know, we are in the process of trying to sell our home. For the past few months, we have scraped, painted, repaired, redone, cleaned, cleaned, and then cleaned again so that you, potential homeowner, may walk through our home at your leisure. You have opened closets and drawers. You now know where I store toilet paper and all my CVS shampoo. You now know that I have a Rubbermaid container addiction and that I'm deathly allergic to clutter. You also probably assume that I don't cook and that's why we have so much cereal.
Hopefully you have seen that we have lovingly cared for our home. Hopefully you haven't seen that I hide dirty laundry in the dryer and pots in the oven if you don't give me enough warning before you come. And, of course, you have seen the graveyard. The. Dreaded. Grave. Yard.
Now, dear potential homeowner, we would love nothing more than for you to buy our lovely home. We would love a full-price offer with no quibbling about old windows or closing costs. We would love your family to be as happy in this home as we have been.
However, that said, I would like to make a few things clear just so we are both on the same page here. First of all, our home is 28, yes I repeat 28, years old. Four children have occupied this home for the past six years and they have LIVED here. This is not a museum--no matter what the home stager would like you to believe--it is our HOME. It squeaks in some places; it is tired in some places. It is TWENTY-EIGHT years old. If you would like a brand new home, please feel free to go BUILD yourself one.
Secondly, please don't make me clean my home, occupy my children somewhere for a few hours, and get my hopes up if you are not prepared to actually BUY my home should you like it. If you have dreams and imaginations of someday buying some home some where but haven't sold your current home yet or, worse, haven't even put it on the market yet, please don't come. I realize our home is lovely and tempting, and you probably want to come over and settle in right away, but if that isn't going to happen in the next few days or even months, please don't come. Unless, of course, you are independently wealthy and can afford to own two homes at once. I can't handle one more "You have a lovely home but we have to sell our house first." on the feedback.
And one more thing on this same subject: I am tired of killing time in my van, eating at McDonald's, and asking friends to entertain us during showings. Yes, I realize that is part of the process, but please be considerate. Don't call me and say you want to see my house "probably sometime between 9 a.m. and 9 p.m. on Tuesday or Thursday"! And, most definitely, don't make an appointment then drive up and not even EXIT YOUR CAR!! At least have the courtesy to take a quick look at my clean house. And by the way, have you ever heard of the internet? It's a handy dandy little thing that can show you MORE than 30, yes thirty, pictures of our home so you can pretty much SEE it before you waste my time and yours. ahem.......
Finally, from the aforementioned 30 plus pictures of our lovely home on the MLS listing you can get a good idea of what you are in for should you actually want to come and see our house. We don't have a "great room". We don't have a "soaking tub". We don't have a formal living room, or a library, or a central vacuum system. We don't have granite counter tops or "hardwood floors throughout". Please don't come expecting these things to magically appear between the time you looked online and the time of the showing. It won't happen. (Reminder: it's 28 years old people!)
In closing, lest you think me a hypocrite, let me assure you that I know whereof I speak. We have yet to look at one, not even one, potential home. We know that it's pointless right now. Why look and fall in love with a house when we can't do anything about it? Why get someone's hopes up for nothing? Why make them feel as anxious as we do?
In summary, dear potential homeowner, if you are just interested in "kicking tires" and aren't serious about buying my home, please go taunt some other unsuspecting homeowner. I am wise to you now, and I don't like you. I don't like you at all. Now that we have cleared these things up, feel free to schedule a showing! We really DO have a lovely home--many have said so. We have been very happy here, and we know you would be too.