11.19.2009

Score Update: Undergarments 2, Jen 0

 Remember this?  Well, Round Two was yesterday and it wasn't pretty.

Last week a dear friend (who shall remain nameless to protect her identity) recommended this to me.  Of course, in my mind, pretty much anything from Ann Taylor or Ann Taylor Loft is WONDERFUL, and if it also happens to suck in the ravages of four children and advancing age, that's even better. Although I did tell her that I was a bit chagrined that she felt the need to recommend it to me........

Anyhoo, this afternoon, I decided I would put her recommendation to the test.  As I was getting dressed, I briefly remembered the one caveat to her recommendation:  be sure to put it on from the waist up, don't try to put it on over your head.  Can you see where this is going?  Well, I was in a hurry, and thinking it surely couldn't be THAT bad, I slipped it over my head and proceeded to slip my arm through it to pull it down.

And that, my friends, was the end of the "proceedings".  For the next five minutes the only thing that proceeded was some not-so-lovely words from my mouth as I wrestled with that stupid undergarment. I began to wonder if I would have to call an ambulance to "disengage" me.  I'm pretty sure I know what it feels like to be in strait jacket.  I had flashbacks to that dreadful day in the Kohl's dressing room.  Once again, I looked like a misshapen pretzel and my phone and lotion were out of reach.  The only difference was that this time I was providing comic relief for the family dog!

Finally, after much huffing and puffing and struggling and straining, I got that stupid undergarment which, I might add, came HIGHLY recommended (ahem.....) down to where it was supposed to be.  As I sat down on the bed to catch my breath, I noticed the garment tag.  It read like this.......

ASSETS ®  by Sarah Blakely. An inner power mesh firms below the bra line, 
while the outer fabric keeps you looking and feeling flawless. A flared bottom 
ensures a comfortable, stay-put fit that won’t cling to clothing, 
while the adjustable straps let you pick the perfect fit

Now, I don't know who Sarah Blakely is but I would bet she's one of those "foundations engineers" who likes to put things in spaces that are much too small for them.  I would also bet she's not exactly the creative type.  I mean who in their right mind names a woman's undergarment "Assets".  The word "asset" typically conjures up thoughts of something I'd like to show off or display not pound, pummel, and punch into spandexed submission. 

And what the heck do you mean by "below the bra line", Miss Blakely.  I've birthed and nursed FOUR children.  "Below the bra line" can be synonymous with "At the kneecaps".  I would guess that YOUR "below" is quite a bit higher, not to mention perkier,  than MY "below".  Ahem..........

Secondly, I can assure you that I most certainly did not look or feel "flawless" by the end of that encounter.  Heck, I needed another shower!  And thank heavens for those adjustable straps.  If they hadn't had a little "give" to them, I shudder to think where I might be now.

Sigh.............the jury is still out on this particular undergarment.  I've put myself on a strict regimen of lots of rest and Red Bull before I attempt wearing it again.  If you've been brave enough to pack yourself into one like sausage into a casing, let me know what you thought! 

3 comments:

Steph said...

OMG I'm ROFL! I TOLD you to put it on feet first! was it really that bad? maybe you got it too small? and I wasn't being critical of your lovely shape...just trying to help! LOL hopefully you saved the tags and receipt!

Kari said...

HaHAHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa.....all I can say is...HaHaHaHaHaHaHaHa

Jill said...

You are hilarious!!!!